Christopher’s Guide to Being Cool, Part Six: Eyewear

With the rise of “geek chic” (aka: “autism chic”) spectacles have become genuinely fashionable for the first time since the late 19th century. To keep up, you’ll need large-lensed glasses with thick black plastic frames: part Buddy Holly, part free-on-the-NHS circa 1983. These would have gotten you relentlessly beaten up in the school playground in the early ‘90s but who’s laughing now? That’s right: you are, speccy.

On the other hand, if Mother Nature has dealt you a cruel hand and cursed you with perfect vision, don’t despair: you can always get non-prescription glasses or, failing that, frames sans lenses. These can be obtained from any cutting-edge accessory boutique or from your local toy shop. It’s worth pointing out that the latter solution doesn’t defend against anyone trying to poke you in the eyes. Dev Hynes, for example, has eyesight so good he can see in complete darkness, like Vin Diesel in “Pitch Black,” and has no need for spectacles except to emphasise how cool he is.

Dev Hynes also has the natrual ability to see through walls.

Dev Hynes can also see through walls.

Sunglasses are also a must but they should be wayfarers (preferably Ray Bans) or mirrored aviators, unless of course you’re alright with being a complete fucking laughing stock. Ladies, you also have the option of large, Jackie O shades. Girls always have more options, meaning there’s even less excuse for being uncool if you’ve got a double-X chromosome. With great choice comes great responsibility.

Whichever style of sunglasses you choose, you’ll need to wear them all the time, whatever the weather, no matter whether you’re indoors, outdoors or underwater… Remember the infamous line from Blues Brothers “It’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses” and repeat it like a mantra because from now on you will know no sunlight. Most cool things happen at night; this way, it’s night-time all the time. The rest writes itself.


2 responses to “Christopher’s Guide to Being Cool, Part Six: Eyewear

  1. I think it’s time for a new post. 🙂 This is so damn funny.

    You should write about how cool it is to dance awkwardly at house parties (while drinking PBR, obviously).

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